Monthly Archives: May 2012

I love old-school jokes

Man   – “Doc, I’ve got an orange willy.”
Doc    – “What??”
Man   – “My willy, it’s turned orange.”
Doc    – “Umm, I’ll have to look that up. It seems it could be a sign of stress. Do you suffer from stress?
Man   – “Not really”
Doc    – “What about stress at work?”
Man   – “Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss. I worked 80 hours a week for pennies and then I got the sack.

Doc    – “That sounds very stressful”
Man   – “Yeah, but my new job is great, half the hours, 3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated”
Doc    – “Umm, what about your home life?”
Man   – “Well, my girlfriend was a complete cow, she nagged non-stop and put me down every chance she got.”
Doc    – “That sounds stressful”
Man   – “Yeah, but I left her and I’ve never been happier”
Doc    – “Umm, what about your social life?”
Man   – “Social life? I don’t really have one”
Doc    – “Really? What do you do in your spare time?”
Man   – “Watch porn and eat Nik Naks”

 

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I LOVE OLD-SCHOOL JOKES

Jokes aren’t the same anymore. The good old days of a well told joke landing in your email box are long gone. These days you are more likely to be sent a funny picture or a link to a video clip on You Tube. I can’t remember the last time I was at a party and a group of people exchanged jokes for hours on end. I miss those days. Fortunately though, I am something of a hoarder and I’ve made a point of copying anything that makes me laugh over the years. Some of them go back 2 decades. So in the spirit of keeping them alive I’ll be posting them here every now and then under the title above. Here’s the first; one of my very best:

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the “Axis of
Evil”, Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had
formed the “Axis of Just as Evil”, which they said would be
more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis
President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new
Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. “Right.
They are just as evil . . . in their dreams!” declared North
Korean leader Kim Jong-il. “Everybody knows we’re the best
evils . . . best at being evil . . . we’re the best.”

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being
excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could
join the Axis of Evil. “They told us it was full,” said
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.  “An axis can’t have more
than three countries”, explained Iraqi President Saddam
Hussein. “This is not my rule, it’s tradition. In World War
II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So,
you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is
wickedly cool.”

International reaction to Bush’s Axis of Evil declaration
was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere,
peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in
what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan
and Serbia announced that they had formed the “Axis of
Somewhat Evil”, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and
Myanmar in the “Axis of Occasionally Evil”, while Bulgaria,
Indonesia and Russia established the “Axis of Not So Much
Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable”.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable
clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda
applied to be called the “Axis of Countries That Aren’t the
Worst But Certainly Won’t Be Asked to Host the Olympics”.
Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the “Axis of Nations
That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty
Thoughts About America”.

Meanwhile, Scotland, New Zealand and Wales established the
“Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick”.
“That’s not a threat, really, just something we like to do”,
said, Scottish Executive First Minister, Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren’t
perhaps making fun of him, a cautious President Bush granted
approval for most axis, although he rejected the
establishment of the “Axis of Countries Whose Names End in
‘Guay”, accusing one of its members of filing a false
application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay
denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn’t want to join any Axis,
but privately world leaders said that’s only because no one
asked them.”

The Language of Banks.

I’m not one of those people who hates his bank. But there is one thing about them that really irritates me; it’s the way they talk to me. 

 I was fortunate enough to once be involved in the launch of a purely online bank called 20twenty. The bank sadly folded, thanks to Saambou’s collapse, but not before I got to work with the London-based team of Standard Chartered Bank, the company that ultimately tried to keep 20twenty afloat. I recall a conversation in which one of the Standard Chartered team spoke about South African’s seeming-tolerance of appalling banking behaviour. He explained it like this: there are basically two types of relationships between banks and their customers. The one arrangement is when customers borrow money from banks. This agreement is all too familiar to all of us who have bought houses and cars using money we don’t currently have, but the banks do. And we pay dearly for that loan. The other arrangement is one we don’t think of that often. It’s when banks borrow money from us, and they do that every month when we deposit our salary cheques into our accounts. We are essentially loaning our money to them, but will of course slowly take it back as the month progresses. They generally pay us less dearly for that loan.

 For some reason however, the South African customer behaves like banks are doing them a huge favour by looking after their money and banks generally seem to welcome this misguided gratefulness. They take on this almost patriarchal role as the caretaker of your money, giving it back to you only with their permission. In reality however, banks are desperate for your hard cash. They need it to stay afloat, and indeed, finance the many other arrangements they have with people borrowing money from them. Without your monthly loan to them, they simply won’t be able to function. And here’s where I get offended.

 When I need to take back the money I’ve loaned them, I don’t expect a massive show of gratitude, but I do expect language that fairly reflects the nature of this particular relationship. I request the money and punch in my PIN code. Instead of a simple THANK YOU, the ATM says APPROVED before dispensing it. That word APPROVED suggests that they’ve considered my request and generously decided to grant it, even though it is my money. APPROVED would be the more appropriate word if I was asking for a loan. The bank might say this is semantics, but in my world semantics is everything. Semantics is the difference between Hemingway and Dan Brown. Why try and assert your authority over me at this moment? And they do it again when you pay with your Card. The devise asks for your PIN code. You punch it in and presumably the computers behind the scene checks whether it’s right. It then answers CORRECT. Well, yes, of course it’s correct. It’s my PIN code. I wasn’t exactly guessing. CORRECT is the word that would only seem right to someone who was taking a flyer at it. CORRECT is the word that suggests you’ve given me a little challenge, and I passed with flying colours. CORRECT is the word you use when you’ve approached it with the mindset that criminals are more likely to be using my card than I am. And by all means, if a criminal does and gets my PIN wrong, INCORRECT would be entirely the right word to use. But its not, it’s me, and again a simple THANK YOU would do the job and have the same confirmation effect.

 THANK YOU would remind me that you’re grateful for the loan. THANK YOU would remind me that you’re pleased to have me as a customer. THANK YOU would remind me that you have manners. THANK YOU would evoke an image of you smiling at me, your customer. THANK YOU would suggest there are humans in your banks, not computers. And if anyone in the banking business reads this and takes note, I simply say Thank you.

 

 

 

The Statue and the Happy Ending.

This whole Zuma and The Spear debacle reminds me of a series of events that took place in Zimbabwe shortly after Independence. I was barely in my teens at the time, and my memory of it is hazy, but the story has always stayed with me. I always thought it would have made a great short film.

 When the war ended, celebration kicked off in a major way, as it does. Down in Bulawayo, the country’s second largest city, someone decided it would be a fine idea to erect a statue outside the city hall honoring the liberation fighters who had brought freedom to the country. That idea in itself didn’t seem so bad, but like with so many things in life, its failure would be in its execution.

 One day the residents of Bulawayo arrived at city hall and looked up to see a very large cast bronze statue of a naked freedom fighter, armed with both an AK47 and a penis that can only be described as high-caliber. It did, quite literally, hang down to his knees, making  Zuma’s spear seem much more like a cheese knife. The reaction by the general public was immediate. To the white residents of Bulawayo, it was insulting. By implication, the statue seemed to suggest that the freedom fighters were better equipped than the forces of the Rhodesian army. To others, having a naked man, regardless of race, with such a huge Johnson, went way too far beyond accepted norms of decency. The fact that this statue now stood in a very public place, towered over the many informal traders who sat at its base selling their crochet table cloths, beaded baskets and soap stone carvings, made it all the more inappropriate

 Mothers who came to the hall to pay their TV licenses and parking fines found themselves averting their eyes and covering their children’s as they passed through its shadow. I have one blurry memory of a homeless lady standing beneath it pointing up at it with a toothless grin and no small amount of admiration. The ZanuPF’s emblem, The Cock, it seemed had been reinterpreted in spectacular fashion. 

 I don’t recall public reaction being quite as militant as it has been with the Spear, but I do remember a steady stream of letters to the local newspaper demanding that the statue be taken down. Radio stations were also abuzz as debate raged on for several months. The new ZanuPF government however stood firm (excuse the pun) as did the council, until it looked like debate was all going to peter out naturally. Then one night an extraordinary thing happened.

 Under the cover of darkness someone climbed the statue and painted it white. Not the whole statue; just the penis. Why that seemed like a good idea I will never know. Maybe they were trying to put a condom on it. Maybe they were trying at least to make one part of the statue white. The end result was a rather spectacular figure of a black man with a John Holmes-style member.

 Protest kicked off again in a whole new gear. Thousands who had tried to block the memory of the statue from their mind flooded to the city hall to see this new, improved version. Demands to take it down were renewed. Surely now, now that the statue was white in places that it shouldn’t be, it should be taken down? Again the city council defiantly disagreed. They had a plan.

The very next morning a city council work team arrived equipped with steel brushes and turpentine. And so they set off to work to restore our unsung hero to his former glory.

 I doubt I need to paint a more detailed picture of what it must have looked like to have a team of men scrubbing furiously away at the poor guy’s privates, but suffice to say you can still hear the laughter reverberating through the Motopos Hills if you go there today.  Gogo’s probably still tell their grandchildren what they saw. And those poor council workers no doubt still bear the emotional scars of what they were put through. Medical science may even have coined a phrase for this type of post-traumatic stress disorder. Such are the hazards of war. Sadly however, it was all in vain.

 When all the bronze filings had settled and everyone stood back to admire the product of their hard labour, there it was, the world shiniest, polished penis on the world’s most embarrassed statue. 

 For better or worse, it was all too much for anyone to deal with. Ideas had run dry.  No man, not even a government, knows how to hide a penis that large. Especially when it’s shining like a lighthouse. And so the statue came down. I often wonder where it is being stored today.

 And here we are; 30 years later, having learned nothing. I only hope that our story ends with as much of a smile as the one I have just told. 

Our wine labels need some work.

On a recent trip to Vancouver, Canada, I dropped into a local wine shop to stock up on some wine for our two week skiing holiday. It was a brilliantly stocked store, carrying wines from virtually every major wine producing market in the world. When faced with so many choices, and no knowledge or experience of the wine producer to call on, I found myself unable to determine a good wine from a bad one, knowing full well that the price tag is also seldom a good indicator. So I did what any creatively-minded person would do: I bought the wines with the best label designs.

Image Image

As I walked through aisle after aisle of wines coming from all over the world, it occurred to me that South African wine labels are horribly dull by comparison. There are of course a few exceptions, but in general our label designs err more on the French-heritage side of the design scale, avoiding the pure playfulness that so many new-world wine markets embrace. We just seem to be taking ourselves too seriously in this particular category and I have to question wether our design matches the sheer energy and youthfulness of our wines. Something to think about maybe. Here are a few of the other wines that I sampled. ImageImageImageImageImage

Indians are a lot like Fruit Flies, apparently.

I recently found this article in a local newspaper. Image

The article describes how medical scientists have discovered that Curcumin, one of the key ingredients in Turmeric and curry, has been linked to the prevention of Alzheimer’s disease. This is of course really good news, but it’s how they reached this conclusion that really cracks me up, and perfectly captures the big, deep, cavernous ass that science frequently goes up. The tests were conducted on fruit flies suffering from a nervous disorder very similar to Alzheimer’s. Firstly I’m amazed that someone has discovered mentally disturbed flies. Secondly, I have to question that what works for flies will also work for humans. And finally, if anyone wanted to check whether curry prevents a condition like Alzheimer’s, you’d think the best way to check it would simply be to measure its incidence amongst real living Indians, like the ones who eat curry in India. But hey, I’m no scientist.