Ok, I just dropped my iPhone and it’s completely buggered. Screen all smashed. Can’t even answer an incoming call. So just wanted to tell friends and family not to call me on my cell this week. In fact, while I’m at it, I’d like to ask Cellular Service Providers, Cell phone shops, Direct Insurance Companies, Investment Brokers, Car dealerships, Estate agents and Vehicle Tracking companies not to call me either. Not just this week while my phone is being repaired, but ever. And when I say ever, I mean never ever, for the rest of my life ever. Your discounted offers are lame and stupid and an insult to my intelligence and the chances of me listening to more than the first five words that come out of your offensively cheerful and intrusive mouth is zero. And also you guys who call me every year to sell me a fire extinguisher or a Medical Aid kit in the name of charity, when you and I both know that 10% of the donation goes to the actual charity, and you bastards take the rest, you guys mustn’t call me either. And finally, I know I haven’t won two million pounds this week in spectacularly random circumstances. You dipshits especially mustn’t call or text me from this day forward. In fact, I have a special suggestion for what you can do with your phones.


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